So, with no further ado, here are the ten steps to ultimate forum nirvana!
Step 1: Register. You know the drill.
Step 2: Pick a kickass username. DON'T put numbers unless it's 1337. Numbers don't make sense to anyone BUT you, and I'm not even so sure if you yourself make any sense. No sticky caps. It annoys the hell out of the other users and gives you that "n00bish" first impression.
Bad examples: UlTiMaTeCoOL2235263, xXpASsIonXx, and so many other visually painful user handles.
All done?
Step 3: Make that intro thread! Make sure it gets noticed around the gazillions of threads. Create an alluring title that is intriguing and shows off your wit.
"CHOCOLATE STATUES EXIST! I know they do." Bad example. Who doesn't know that? I bet this user didn't know about chocolate paintings on chocolate canvasses with the accompanying chocolate easel.
Content, content, content. Put in everything interesting about you. Feel free to make things up. I know some people do. Just don't say you're from Mexico and all of a sudden "bought my kzone mag at TriNoma!". At least be consistent with your lies. Discard information like, "I suck my thumb", "I have kleptomania", and the oh-so repulsive "I have herpes".
Step 4: Wait for a reply on your intro thread. Someone's bound to drive the welcome wagon at your doorstep, so keep refreshing your page until one comes up. If you're lucky, heck you can get a reply from the "intellectual group of members" but that comes in rarely.
Step 5: Make friends with whomever is replying in your intro thread. Now you've got this posse that you hang out with, you can start going to the threads they go to. Limit yourself. You might need backup. Even if it's from members who haven't seen a dictionary in their entire lives.
Step 6: Agree with everything the mods and the "intellectual group of members" say. No matter how it differs from your own opinions, AGREE. They'd just gang up and break you down, anyway.
Now after some establishment, you are now ready for Step 7.
Step 7: Choose your battles! Oh, the joy that flamewars bring. Pick on some n00bs before you go into the open field. Here's a practice dummy. Find his posts, and thoroughly disagree with everything he says. Now other people might hate him as well, so you can gang up on the poor dummy. When you're done pwning him, you will gain respect in the community and might get befriended by the "cool crowd".
Step 8: Pick a fight with a mod. Yes, this is it. You're done sucking up to these mods and you want your opinions heard. Choose a topic where you excel in and go all out. Here's a good example.
WARNING: You are alone in this one. No one has the balls to stand up to mods with no effing reason.
Step 9: Yo're on your way to forum 1337ness! Leave all your Engrish speaking friends and make new, 1337 ones. Start a war with them. Anything for the sake of entertainment. They're all nothing but a bunch of members who leech unto your greatness, anyway.
Step 10: YOU HAVE ACHIEVED NIRVANAAAA! Congratulation! You are now one of the elite members of the HQ. Now, time to join another forum.
Here are a few links for Your Noobness.
A Supplement to "KNOW YOUR KHQ"
Kzone HeadQuarters Dirty Little Secrets {A rant blog where you DON'T want to be featured for nothing but your 1337ness.}Training Dummy #2.
PS: To whomever that takes this seriously, I pity you. This is a product of imagination and boredom. If ever you achieve nirvana through these steps, I must be a miracleworker.
On her way to Step 11,
The Mad Katter
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